Category: Humor

It is with utmost respect and gratitude that I humbly write you this letter, sent into the abyss of time, and with the knowledge that you are enjoying your eternal rest with our Maker. So much has changed since you left us, but your name lives on into perpetuity. There are schools and Universities, bridges and roads and even a state named after you. It is the most northern state on the west coast of the continent, not far from where Lewis and Clark, Jefferson’s mission west, after a toilsome march finished their journey. They ran out of whisky early on and if it were not for a group of kindly Indians, who saved their feeble asses, they would have starved and froze to death in the snowy mountains. In this region there are vast mountains, once abundant rivers and fertile lands for farming. It is one of the now fifty states that make up The United States of America. Hitherto, your face adorns the currency of the one dollar bill. You look a bit grim as always but all the American currency looks a bit serious. Franklin, that vegetarian prude is on the hundred. I am not sure how he got that honor as I personally think you deserve that celebration (they do call them Benjamins by the way).   Forgive me honorable icon of virtue of this Republic. I once again easily digress. So many things have changed since your passing into eternity. With the utmost admiration, I hope you are doing well and that your afterlife is one of happiness and tranquility.

The United States of America, is now almost two hundred and fifty years old. It has survived a civil war, two World Wars, countless wars (most of which were imperial  in nature and tragic), many incompetent and corrupt leaders, a few good ones, earthquakes and storms, droughts and floods. Presently, as I write things seem to be getting worse and all is not well with the once fledging Republic. The factions and “cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men” that you warned about in your Farewell Address are now captains of the ship. Indeed, they have taken the White House and both houses of government.

This president elect is a man of dubious character. While formally in the office of the presidency, and hitherto losing an election, he rallied a mob of deplorable lunatics to charge the Senate with spears and clubs while the senate counted the electoral votes, as outlined in The Constitution for the certification of the Presidency. It became a violent scene with many members of the security at hand losing their lives. This cunning and ambitious man, the president at the time, called for the hanging of his own vice president! It was a murderous and unsightly day. After breeching the capital building, the angry mob went on to various offices of the senate, had instant portraits made of themselves with something called a camera. They then turned over furniture and vandalized the rooms. This now president-elect, a man of vile and scandalous character, to this day, has not been held to account for his attempted coup d’état.

Four years ago, eventually the new president, a man who has lived a life of grave family tragedies and a steadfast servant of the Republic was voted into the office of Presidency. His vice president is a woman of fine character who has dedicated her life to the ordinary citizens. It was not until one hundred and fifty years after the founding of this great country that an amendment (the 19th Amendment) enabled women the right to vote. Do let Martha know about this update as I think it will put a glorious smile on her face. By the way, how is she doing these days?

Unfortunately, the cunning and ambitious man four years later was voted back into the Presidency. He is a man who came from a family of wealth, but who many times squandered his money in scandalous business ventures only to be saved by faulty laws of bankruptcy protection. He is a man who never picks up a book to improve himself, knows very little about history, religion, The Bible, philosophy or agriculture, but spends many hours a day colouring his face an odd sort of orange colour and then gazes adoringly at himself in the mirror –  sometimes hours each day. He does not wear a wig but had a surgical  operation whereby hair from the back of his head was relocated to the front of his scalp. This he dies an odd yellow colour and combs from one side to the other to cover the skin. With the addition of a modern shellac it takes on a sort of impermeable helmet appearance. For years on end he has made his way into the hearts and pliable minds of the people with odd rants and entertaining falsities too numerous to expound upon.  He attacks and makes villains out of the very people who tend to the fields, clean the castles and build the houses and roads.

Upon winning the Presidency for the second time he did not retreat to his farm to study, meditate and pray for the Republic but went to a gruesome gladiator match where two hulking men battled on a stage in a deplorable fashion without any rules of engagement. It does appear now that The Enlightenment has devolved into an Age of Delusion, where Reason and truth matter not and science takes a back seat to gossip and hearsay. Notwithstanding, tribal factions and cunning politics rule the day. Unfortunately, few people take the time to read your works or the works of the ancients or even modern great thinkers but instead get preoccupied and distracted with one entertaining scandal after another. This president elect is truly a man of sordid character and your warnings were correct. May God shine down upon our Republic but I have grave doubts the country will last his term in power.

Notwithstanding, lose not sleep over this letter as these are conditions, as Seneca advised, whereby mortals and especially the dead have no power. However, if you are a ghost or if there are any in the White House that you know of, please give this sordid and cunning character a few scares to humble him and bring him but an ounce of humility. Unexpectedly, on windless nights, slam some doors or blow out some candles. Make strange walking sounds in the attic. Anything, to make this cunning, revengeful man gain an ounce of humility.

I am humbled to have this unique channel of communication, and I extend my deepest thanks for your service and sacrifice.

With the highest esteem and respect,

Yours,

Paul Lyons
Private citizen of the State of California