One day it will happen. Though billionaire Peter Thiel thinks he can become immortal, the beauty of life is that it has its season. One day we all die. I did not make up this rule. It is just the way it is.
So when Donald Trump dies and finds himself at the pearly gates and meets his maker, he asks God to let him into heaven. God then asks Donald why? What virtues he has lived, whether he believes and loves Jesus and why he should give him eternal life. Donald responds that he Made America Great Again, deported all the brown-skinned people. God responds that the immigrants were just his children looking for a better life. “When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt.” —Leviticus 19:33–34. God goes on to say “even my only son Jesus had to escape tyranny and travel to foreign lands. And besides, the lettuce and tomatoes on your Big Mac hamburgers were picked by these hard working immigrants.”
Donald then says that he should go to heaven as he dismantled the corrupt federal government and the deep state that ruined so many lives. But God answers that “the federal government programs he cancelled were mostly virtuous, programs that feed the poor and needy, aided the sick, infirmed and elderly. It aided people that respected the natural world and lived to protect and defend God’s many wonderful creations.”
Donald, in a bit of distress, then asks God if there is anything he can negotiate to gain his entrance. Perhaps New York real-estate, Jeffery Epstein’s favorite underage hookers or perhaps an undervalued crypto-currency to which God just shakes his head. Then Donald said that his greatest accomplishment was banning abortion. That it rallied the troops to save the unborn, to which God says “au-contraire.” “You never really had any true beliefs in your heart on the subject but used it to simply divide people. In the end, many women who were not ready to be mothers or were raped had to give birth to children that then had little food and support. Others died of sepsis and suffered painful deaths. Your heart had no compassion for the poor and suffering.”
So then Donald, out of options and realizing he did not have the cards, asks God what his plan is for him, to which God said it is best that Donald J. Trump spend eternity in a hot and humid climate, like the Florida Everglades, in a cage, surrounded by a cheap poorly made tent, surrounded by hungry alligators.