George Washington
Former President of the United States
The White House
Washington, D.C.
Dear Honorable George Washington,
November 22, 2024
It is with utmost respect and gratitude that I humbly write you this letter, sent into the abyss of time, and with the knowledge that you are enjoying your eternal rest with our Maker. The postal service, as outlined in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, is still functioning adequately save for towns on the edge of the continent, such as Bolinas, California, where the post, for reasons not made public, has been suspended. Though it may shock you, the entire western coast of America is part of the United States, of which there are now fifty. There are millions of souls and even woman and Black people can vote, though there are forces present to revert to prior voting regulations and rules. Forgive me honorable icon of virtue of this Republic. I easily digress. With the utmost admiration, I hope you are doing well and that your afterlife is one of tranquility.
You probably wonder what has happened with the United States of America, the country that you lead into battle in Harlem Heights long before the existence of even the first bodega grocery store. The country of which you were the first President though you would rather have been recluse with Martha on the farm at Mount Vernon. The Republic that you founded on the modern, fashionable French philosophy of liberty and equality, (save for the slaves and women and others we deem unworthy). My friend: all is not well with the Republic, but that is another matter. This letter is to begin our conversation and update you on advances in the area of medicine and dentistry.
The letting of blood that you carried out with the advice of your doctor, and that which hitherto was common practice was later deemed to be a therapy of little use and perilous for the patient. Voltaire was mostly correct in stating that the “the art of medicine consists in amusing the patient, while nature cures the disease.” Indeed, blood-letting has accounted for the deaths of thousand and thousand of souls. That’s the bad news. The good news is that many years after your death, a potion called an antibiotic was developed. These potions, often taken as pills, would have rid the disease that had invaded your body and you would have experienced relief in a matter of hours. Science does move forward from time to time. The age of reason proceeds sporadically. You apparently came to the festivities a few hundred years too early.
Another piece of good news is that field of dentistry has advanced beyond your wildest dreams. Today, while many in the field of dentistry appear to be charlatans, with twice yearly visits, ordinary citizens can keep their teeth healthy for their entire lives. Additionally, the manufacturing of false teeth and what are now called dentures has advanced to the point were these false teeth look even better than the teeth God provided! Additionally, held in place with a modern sort of adhesive, they are surprisingly comfortable. I know not the dental programmes in heaven so this may be old news. I do hope that dental pain is not part of you daily life. It is extremely difficult to pursue tranquility and virtue when you have a raging toothache and your only remedy is to bite down on a strand of hemp.
I am humbled to have this unique channel of communication, and I extend my deepest thanks for your service and sacrifice.
With the highest esteem and respect,
Yours,
Paul Lyons